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Dirty Laundry: lap dances explained, text messages decoded and relationship psychic powers

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Photo Courtesy of Jessica Ruano

Photo Courtesy of Jessica Ruano

A professional sexual health educator with an alarming lack of tact, Nadine Thornhill is used to airing out other people’s unmentionables. Her new sex column, Dirty Laundry, runs the last Friday of each month on Apt613. To ask your questions, or to say hello to Nadine, contact her at dirtylaundry613@gmail.com.

For the full smorgasbord of Nadine’s musings, check out her blog Adorkable Thespian.

Dear Dirty Laundress,

What exactly happens when you buy a private lap dance at a strip club — one with female dancers? I am especially curious to know what strippers do for lap dances bought by heterosexual couples. I have heard rumours that strippers take care to make sure that nobody feels left out…but what exactly goes on in that private room? And are there rules about who is allowed to touch whom in those situations (and are they different for female customers as opposed to male)?

-Baring My Curiosity

Wonder no more, BMC! Routines may vary from club to club, but generally speaking when a male customer pays for a lap dance he expects a nude or at mostly-nude performance. A dancer may straddle, caress or otherwise touch the customer; however, the customer typically isn’t allowed to touch the dancer.

A local club owner gave me the low down on lap dances for heterosexual couples. A couples dance most of the action is focused on the female customer, while the guy watches. Female customers are often granted more leeway when it comes to touching the dancers. The couple are allowed to touch one another, but unlike their private dancer they’ve got to keep their clothes on.

Dear Dirty Laundress,

In the dating world, what is the difference between a winky face ;) and a smiley face :) in a text msg from a guy?

-SMS Illiterate

I’m not a guy and as such, I didn’t feel qualified to answer your question. SMSI. So, I assembled an elite team of my guy friends to crack the texting code. They’re smart, they’re sexy and they all have phones. I call them The Text Team Ten!

The team unanimously agreed that a “smiley” denotes lightheartedness or joking.

Eight of The Text Team Ten thought that a “winky” probably indicates some sort of flirting or innuendo, though not everyone agreed on that point. One team member was adamant that a winky is more likely to be a typo than a subtle sexual overture. “Our sex started puberty thinking teasing/punching was the best way to attract a girl’s attention”" says my cynical pal.

One friend suggested the meaning of a winky depends on your relationship. “If we’re already flirty and dating or something similar then yeah – it means what it means. If it’s just me sending a text message to any girl, [the winky] is a way to sublimate any wrong doing that could be inferred. ‘You’re hot ;) ’ means ‘You’re hot but I’m not interested’, then I can pass it off as a joke.’”

Another of the Text Team Ten summed it up thusly, “The winky face may indicate a sexual subtext or a special subtext shared between the sender and the recipient. ‘I’m looking forward to sampling your brisket. :) ’ – this gentlemen really likes a good brisket. ‘I’m looking forward to sampling your brisket ;) ’ hard to say exactly, but it likely involves cunnilingus.”

In light of these opinions, I can only conclude that it’s impossible to know precisely what the texter in question intended without asking him directly. And how do you do this? I suggest a quick text to the effect of , “Are you flirting with me?” And don’t forget the ;)

_______________________________

Flowers For Valentine’s Day

As Valentine’s approaches, a few women have approached me with variations on a similarly themed quandary. How do you let someone know you want to be surprised with flowers on Valentine’s Day without asking and thus negating being surprised with flowers on Valentine’s Day?

I am vehemently opposed to dating/relationship strategies that require psychic powers. If a bouquet of blooms is what you desire most, it’s okay to say to your partner, “I would love to have flowers on Valentine’s Day.” I think it’s also fine to quietly hope for a flowery surprise; but be gracious if the flowers don’t come. It doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t care about you. It just means you’re with someone who can’t read your mind. Which is actually a good thing. Do you really want to be with a person who can get all up in your dark and freaky thoughts? I don’t think so.

Still, I know a lot of people are jonesin’ for Valentine’s roses (or tulips or lilies). So if there’s someone special in your life who seems like the hearts and flowers type, do them a solid and get them a vase of something pretty.

Happy Valentine’s, everyone!

Comments

2
 
Filed in: Dirty Laundry, Features

$20 a song in Ottawa Gatineau. $10 in most of Montreal.

- AccidentalB

How much do lap dances cost?

- Anon

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